THIRTEEN

I look around the dark cold room which made my skin crawl and my teeth chatter in fear. It is hard to see my cousins as family instead of the demons we were. The nastiness of vile and disgust creatures which God hated with all his heart and soul. I didn't want to live anymore - the sin that came from a demon and human. I wish, at the point God can strike me down and I can die. I want to die. I feel so dirty, as if I was force to live in a mud with snakes, cockroaches and spiders as my roommates. I am overwhelm with the thought, “Does God care that I am alive?”

We, as a family were taught about how we should please God and God will help us, but now, I wanted God to come to tell me what he wanted himself. In this world, there are so many spokespeople for God, why can God talk about his rules himself; I wondered. And then again, why should he bother? I was a demon spawn; the lowest of creatures in the world. Why did I become part of the chaos?

Simon Peter is always teaching us about God, the bible, rules, and demons. Now, I don't know what to believe anymore. I still have faith in God because I am living proof, but I don't have faith in that crazy ass book called the Bible. To me, the bible is shit. My whole belief system is shot and I just want to hide and never live in the light again. I want to die, but how? I can't die. I will be living in this hell for the rest of my natural life; which will never end.

So funny, people would do anything to live my life and to have the pleasure to live forever, but to me, it is not a gift, but a damn curse. Living forever, is not what it cracked up to be, when God hates your existence.

One thing, I can say, “I am very attractive demon.”